Bobbing along

Further to yesterday’s post, today has been about being thankful I can see what is happening, knowing that I will recover soon, but at that painful stage where I still have no sense of proportion, and so still am not myself.  In some ways this is feels more sad, being able to stand outside and see what is happening, but still being inside and not able to change how I am behaving.  It is the worst of both worlds – I can analyse what I am feeling, but still cannot control reactions in a proportionate way.  I am hating what I see, but not managing to do much to alter it.  One step, one smile, at a time.  

So I am bobbing along, mostly functioning, but having to run away and hide at regular intervals.  This is the hard bit for those close around me too – I am able to be (driven to be?) more open about how I am feeling, but am reliant on their ability to cope with rapid changes and overreactions.  

Today is not a good day to be writing a sermon.  Note to self, write Remembrance Sunday sermon in July.  And once Remembrance Sunday is over, another weight will be removed, and I will be dealing with internal, not external, pressures.  It all makes life easier.  But yesterday and today I have laughed as well as cried, and the fear is largely gone.  Tomorrow will be better today…which is better than yesterday….etc.  Even as I write, I am recovering the ability to laugh at myself – but with kindness and affection instead of derision.     

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2 responses to “Bobbing along

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